A Man-Crush Revealed

With the recent release of I Love You, Man, I feel like I should come clean about a man-crush that I’ve had for some time now.  It’s on television’s ultimate badass.  Bear Grylls? No.  Regis Philbin?  Close, but no.  It’s Mike Rowe, of Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs.   

He’s so effing cool it’s not funny.  First and foremost, he’s got a sweet job.  He just goes around the country meeting interesting people that have dirty jobs.  He works with them for a day or two, says “thanks,” and leaves.  That is the ultimate job.  Zero long-term commitment while getting to travel and meet new people and lifestyles.  Mike actually lives about a mile and a half from me, so I feel like standing in front of his house with a cardboard sign that says “Take me with you.”  It may just come to that. 

Mike is also hilarious.  He’s a complete man’s man when it comes to humor.  He has the utmost respect for the people he meets, but somehow still makes fun of what they do.  For some reason I think I’d be good at that.  He is also a master of the sexual innuendo.  Not a show goes by without a dirty (pun intended) comment.  Whether it’s a “wild snake” or “a venture down a deep, damp, dirty hole,” Mike never fails to deliver.  

I think Mike and I would get along, and I think he needs a sidekick in his show.  We’d be a perfect match.  (Perfect match for his show, people.  It’s only a man-crush – San Francisco hasn’t changed me that much.)

-Butch Cassidy

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE:  A cnn.com headline today read, “ Empowered Rihanna Gets Gun Tattoo.”  Are you kidding me?  Do you think Oprah would approve of this, Rihanna?  Hell no.  

Much ado about nothing

If one show has grabbed the attention of white people in this past decade, it has to be The Wire. Coarse, honest and full of ebonics (which white people love), the five seasons of The Wire was honest television, absent from any sort of sitcom or Hollywood glam, minus the occasional under armor or Dunkin' Donut plug (c'mon, it's a show about cops).

Yet, it's hard to find any product today that has that kind of independence, especially within movies. 

When reading about movies past and present, a critic made an interesting comment. He claimed that movies like One who Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and Easy Rider would not see the light of day in the current film industry.

So what does this say about us, the viewers? Has Hollywood found the equation for a profitable movie and just churns script after script through the equation, rendering the art of filmmaking less artistic and more commercialized. It seems so. 

Think of the nationally panned Miss March. It's a story about young gents trekking across the country to get laid (Road Trip anyone?), and the antics that occur on the way. It's the Sex Drive of this year, minus the laughs. 

Let's look at another movie that is currently out, Transporter 3. The first Transporter was successful because Jason Statham was virtually unknown, unless you were a Guy Ritchie fan or paid attention to anyone but Jet Li in The One. So his swagger and harsh cocknean unorthodoxy and cool made him, well, cool when in a leading role. Now, Statham has been typecast into so many crappy movies (Crank, Death Race, The Italian "let's copy Ocean's Eleven" Job) as his Transporter character. Which was, in turn, based on his Guy Rithie character. Transporter 3 is a regurgitation of that typecast, meshed with the Crank premise, Statham's going to die, but not before he can enact his revenge (to be honest, I don't know if Statham died at the end of Transporter 3, I couldn't bring myself to finish it. I hope he did, that way there would be no fourth part in the series. Well, I guess that's untrue, because Crank 2 will be in theaters near you). The point? Jason Statham success in one movie, The Transporter, led to plenty of follow-ups where he does the exact same thing and plays the exact same character, because Hollywood believes it will make them money. Try mimicking Citizen Kane or Casablanca you non-innovative bastards. 

This is what makes shows like The Wire so important. It proves that there is still a spirit for the unusual and the unorthodox, and people can enjoy it. Sin City is cool, but slightly unoriginal because it is an ode to past film noir. As the audience, we don't need odes. We need something new, and exciting in content, not special effects. 

Hopefully, someone can deliver. I have a feeling that the movie won't be on the screens of outr theaters, but on our Macs and PCs.

The Wire  is not a show about Mountain Dew drinks. 

An A-Z Explanation of Fashion

Fashion is strange.  You’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but the type and brand of apparel one wears is usually a pretty good indicator of personality.

Let’s go over a few examples of brands and the type of people that wear them – off the top of my head and in alphabetical order…

Affliction: I’m a douchebag and like magic (see: Criss Angel)

Banana Republic: I’m fashionable and upper-middle class

Cutter and Buck:  I’m old and I don’t care

Dickies: I’m so hip, let’s smoke

Etnies: I’m a wannabe pro skater –or– I’m an 8^th grade boy

FUBU: I’m black or wish I were

GAP: I’m an all-American classic, take me to meet your mom

Helly Hansen: I love nature, but love to spend money too

Izod: I like to look like I’m from a country club, but I’m not fooling anybody

J. Crew:  I’m one cool customer, let’s go sailing

Kenneth Cole: I’m serious about what I do, back off

Lulu Lemon: I’m a fashion-conscious gym goer

Mudd: I’m an 8^th grade girl, my boyfriend wears Etnies

North Face: I shop for outdoor clothes at Nordstrom so I’m ready for any polar winds

Osh Kosh B’Gosh: I’m a bad ass two year old, give me your bottle bitch

Prada:  You can’t afford me, talk to my less attractive friend

Quicksilver: I love summertime and borrowing my dad’s boat
Russell: I play men’s league basketball on weeknights

Southpole: I probably have a gun (note: this brand was prohibited at my high school)

Tommy Hilfiger: I think I know fashion, don’t I?

Under Armour: I’m fit and want you to know it, look at my nipples

Van Heusen: I’m just beginning my trek up the corporate ladder

Wrangler: I need a new pair because my can of chew wore a hole in my back pocket

Xtra Large: Not a brand, but a size of person

Yves Saint Laurent: I’m the definition of fashion meeting art

Zegna: I prefer to by $150 polos, it ain’t no thang

 

I may be wrong on some of these, so feel free to disagree or post your own list.  

Sorry for the posting hiatus, we’re back.

-Butch Cassidy

Goodbye Las Vegas

Remember the band Dragpipe?

Anyway, fashion has been changing for quite some time now. Instead of wearing mammoth-skin togas complimented by a sabretooth necklace; we have dissected dresswear and accessorized ourselves into an amalgam of colors, looks and materials. As much as we need the food that goes inside of us to satisfy our appetite, so we need what goes on the outside of us to be tailored to our id.

Of the latest craze, was the not-so-popular-then-somewhat-socially-acceptable emo look. Everything went dark. People dressed as if they were going outside during a World War II air raid (too obscure?). Let's just say there was an abundance of black clothes.

Now, we are in the presence of a fashion reaction.

What does this mean? Well, let me take you back to the '80s for a relatively esoteric parallel, where bands like Stryper and cock-rock heroes Tesla experimented with lugubrious guitar shredding and effeminate stage presence (see:Ratt). Then fast forward to the grunge scene. Surly guitars that required distorting, non-hedonistic lyric writing. Those who were considered “rock stars” became so not because of the noodly appendages located in the center of their midsection, but to their brainy insecurities.

The popular dresswear today is chronos inversion of the cock-rock/grunge binary. Emo-style, the predecessor, is akin to grunge. Whereas, the scene look duplicates the flash of cock-rockery. So, scene becomes the rejection of emo, which was the rejection of whatever came before, which (if memory serves me correctly) was the inexplicable vogue of American Eagle, Gap and Abercrombie and Fitch.

The scene look is an explosion of loud colors covering every shade of the neon rainbow. It's popularity came to the forefront through the omnipresent, ever-growing experimentalism of Threadless.com, American Apparel and Urban Outfitters, and became embedded into the mainstream through bands such as MGMT, Schwayze and anyone who sports Nike kicks.

My question is, what's next? Usually, within mainstream fashion there is a push/pull relationship of colors. Much like many other historical developments, fashion has a tendency to return to simplicity, to the emotastic nature of being withdrawn. Currently, we are in the cock-rock of color stage, and if my self-proclaimed fashion model is true, we will soon be back in black, or whatever other color that represents are desire to not stand out, to be carelessly ineffectual, while at the same time extremely particular about our look.

I'm not entirely sure what it will be, but I guarantee you the change is coming. I just hope that the new look will still be available on flannel.

An easy way to determine up and coming looks is to examine the styles of up-and-coming bands. I see a unisexual styled future . . .

-Mozart

Two more days

Yes, the rumors are true. The Derelict's Vegas trip will be sponsored by Red Bull. 

So expect things to get a bit jumbled.

Until VEGAS . . . 

-Mozart

Sin City, Meet the Derelicts

It has been confirmed.  Hide the kids, shut the doors, and bolt your windows because Butch and Mozart are going to Vegas.  Vegas is the entertainment capital of the world, so it’s only fitting that we go there and check out the scenery.  Don’t worry, we’ll do it right too.  Booze will be consumed in copious amounts.  We’ll chat with hookers (with no intention of paying, obviously.  I’m there to gamble for money, not scabies).  Also, while Vegas is home to some of the best shows in the world, they will not be seen.  That is something girls, couples, or old people do.  We’re just going for a weekend of debauchery in its most pure form.

Vegas has history too.  Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra were the kings of the town.  Tom Jones has had more panties thrown at him there than any other man in history.  Roy got mauled by a tiger there.  I mean this place is happening!  Soon Butch and Mozart will make their mark.  Or, more likely, Vegas will make its mark on Butch and Mozart. 

You can be sure that you will be updated and the reputation of vegas as an entertainment mecca will be analyzed. 

-Butch Cassidy

I apologize for the short post; I just got done with work and it's time to get some sleep.  Yes, I do have a job.  Suck it Halpert. 

Mainstream television rules (for the most part)

It's hard to call TV "mush." There's always something of interest that can be extracted from any popular television show, whether the script seems to be the work of a binge-drinking frat guy, or the Coen Brothers. 

The OC is a prime example. Sure the script sucked for the most part, the acting blew (for the most part) and the plot called for unashamedly vain characters (always), but if you can look past the downside, the upside shines brilliantly. First of all, the music on the show was phenomenal. With the show's popularity, and most popular character, Seth, they were able to bring independent and unheard of talents to the forefront. Artists like Matt Pond PA, Alexi Murdoch and Jem benefitted  from The OC's music supervisor, Alexandra Patsavas, unique approach to teen-show scoring. She brought in the not so popular, nor hip, and gave them credibility. 

Not only was the musical selection respectable, but Seth Coen made being non-jock actually cool. A concept a lot of Star Wars lovers can appreciate.

These shows, whether they are inherently crappy or brilliant, define the character of the generation that follows them. This is why these shows are important, they become ingrained into our being. Chuck Klosterman asserts that people who followed the Real World are able to typecast their friends as characters on the show. They adhere and soak in so much of the Real World, that instead of claiming that characters on the show remind them of their friends, they invert the claim, placing the fake people from the show above the real people in their lives. The same phenomenon can be observed in fans of the show Friends. I tend to look at life through the eyes of the show Seinfeld, it's applicable to how I view the world. 

So, these people in our TV shows may be petty, but they help develop mainstream consciousness, so I hesitate to label shows like The Hills and movies like Twilight "mush," even though that is exactly what they are.

The Derelicts may be going to Vegas. Hookers and liquor stores beware . . .

Bring Back the Music Videos! Please?

Mozart bring up a good point in yesterday’s post, “Seize the Day, and Film It.” Mindless activities can turn your brain into mush. He was talking about YouTube, but obviously the same concept applies to the rest of the computer realm, video games and television. While I don’t buy into the BS that any of these things can turn you into a violent monster (that’s a whole different discussion), I do believe that a few TV shows can lower your IQ. A couple shows stick out above the rest. Following the success of the early seasons of The OC, MTV in its infinite wisdom gave to the world Laguna Beach and its ridiculous spawn, The Hills. These shows allowed influential youth to learn the habits of the hot, rich, obnoxious and utterly dumb. Most recently, MTV (which I have boycotted in its entirety) has come up with Bromance. It features guys competing to join the ranks of Brody Jenner’s posse. Seriously? This crap gets airtime? What have we come to? I thought Celebrity Deathmatch was bad when we were kids, but this is a whole new level of television trash.

MTV is a business, so they do what ultimately brings them profit. If people are watching this, they’re going to keep giving it to us. One must ask, “Who watches?” Well, it’s not only people on the shallow end of the gene pool that watch this stuff, the audience runs the entire gamut. While it’s true that the less-intelligent are the proud and unapologetic viewers, the people that should know better call it a “guilty pleasure.” No, I don’t think so. A guilty pleasure is ice cream after midnight. A guilty pleasure is a couple extra glasses of wine with a Wednesday night dinner. Hell, it’s a stretch, but Gossip Girl can be a guilty pleasure. Being a fan of The Hills or Bromance is a mind-wasting, time-taking bad habit.

To all of you that watch this stuff, stop it. Really, for the well-being of our country and our planet, stop it. Don’t tell me that there’s nothing else on either. Watch the Discovery Channel or the Food Network instead, they’re healthy replacements ... Or here’s a novel idea: get off your ass and do something that will get you a house in Beverly Hills. This way you don’t have to watch someone’s bratty kids live the life for you.

-Butch Cassidy

Seize the day, and film it

Undoubtedly, youtube is one of the best innovations on the internet. In conjunction with its pornographic counterpart “redtube,” youtube has become one of the most utilized websites throughout America. Teachers use it for class, stoners use it incessantly and bloggers use it as their visual aid. But, is there a downside to youtube?

An easy attack would be to call youtube a time-consuming monster that eats up your life in 4 minute clips. Well, Facebook has the same effect, and no one complains. So that’s a weak assault.

What I dislike about youtube, is that the chance of doing something situationally original or novel is vastly diminished. Shows like AFV and reality TV are fairly limited in their scope of action. The actions on reality TV are hyperemotional and unrealistic. AFV is wry and slapstick. But youtube, youtube encompasses every part of life, from mouth-pooping to our reactions to mouth-pooping. All of the sudden, cool events that happen to us are less cool, because another person has done it online, and 72,398 people have viewed it. The extraordinary becomes commonplace, and instead of going out to do sweet ass stuff ourselves, we perch ourselves in front of our sleek laptops and watch clips of what we could be doing.

I realize my whiny grievances aren’t novel; it’s the whole “TV turns your brain into mush” mom attack. But, there is some validity to what mom says. Youtube is sweet to the max, but I’d rather be experiencing youtube worthy moments than watch someone else experience them for me. When I start living vicariously through my computer, then it’s time to make machines self-aware, because I’m definitely not.

Ladies, I have a larger than usual hippocampus.

-Mozart

Dad, Put Down the Damn Camera

Mozart and I like to focus our writings on arts and entertainment. I want to look at something today that is definitely not art, and not really entertainment in a professional sense. It is, however, an American family tradition - the home video. The most famous disseminator of these clips is America’s Funniest Home Videos (AFV), now in its 19th season on ABC and is the longest-running primetime show in the channel’s history. People love these shows because it is the ultimate in reality TV - unscripted moments from the lives of average people (except for the few videos that were staged by a stay at home mom with too much time on her hands or an overly-doting father). One small complaint, though: who picks the three final videos? Without fail, those videos are the worst. I’ve never understood this and the dumbass producer who selects them should be relieved of his duties.

Now there is another source of funny home videos, YouTube. YouTube doesn’t filter out any of the thousands of stupid or annoying videos that are posted, so there is a lot to sort through if you are looking for a gem. A few truly funny clips do find notoriety though, gaining the status of "viral videos." The same general themes from the AFV shows are found on YouTube: animals, kids, old people, pranks and crotch shots. (No, not the kind you get from a B-list Hollywood actress, they’re on a different website).

I want to point out a couple videos that have arrived at viral video status, and both fall in the category of funny kids. First is "David After Dentist." A seven year old kid is just leaving the dentist after having oral surgery. The kid is still loopy from the gas and the dad jumps on the opportunity to film his son having a "bad trip." Bottom line, it’s hilarious stuff.



The second video is "Charlie Bit My Finger." Also kids, also funny. I don’t know why, but the accents make it even better. Enjoy.



All in all, home videos are an excellent source of cheap entertainment at the expense of someone else, especially true when it involves someone else taking a shot to the testicles.

-Butch Cassidy

STP? Not for me

It's pretty well-known that Scott Weiland feels no affection for Skid Row's Sebastian Bach. But should American rock enthusiasts feel any affection for Scott Weiland, solo artist and STP frontman? After all, he did instigate the division of one of the greatest (arguable) rock bands of the non-rock (also up for debate) era: Velvet Revolver.

The day Velvet Revolver announced they were parting ways with Scott Weiland, a little part of me died. I disliked Weiland for his association with grungy, no-talent STP, but Velvet Revolver had released solid tracks and the Weiland/Slash duo was as dynamic as the Stockton/Malone force of old. So my roommates and I mourned accordingly. We drank heavily, listened to "Fall to Pieces" and pictured girls with black hair, red lips and brown eyes (at least I did).

The day after I drank the dead part of me deep into the subconscious, I proceeded to address the rest of my body, which was celebrating. VR was free, like a single gent who had ended a lengthy unhealthy relationship (Cue music: Slash shredding riffs that resemble a distorted Katrina and the Waves, "I'm Walking on Sunshine). Cassidy groggily moped out of his room, for he took the break-up a little harder, and after a few games of Mario Kart, we began to compose a list of potential Weiland replacements (I recommend doing this, it's quite entertaining and points out how meritless Weiland is without Slash and the rest of VR).

The lead singers of Buck Cherry and Faith No More made the list, along with Reznor and a few other potentials (Manson would be effing nuts). What we came to realize was this, anyone can fill the void left behind by Weiland, and Velvet Revolver isn't "dead in the water" as Weiland proclaimed. No, STP is, as they were before, because they let the psycho girlfriend back into their artistic relationship. Good Luck STP, I look forward to seeing you open for the rock behemoths that are Velvet Revolver.

As for Blink 182, denying their artistic credibility is questionable, because they spawned the pseudo punk/emo movement we see today (although some may point out this movement is inherently musically untalented, and therefore Blink is inherently untalented, which is unwarranted. Blink 182 released songs that defined the now twenty-something culture). Like Talking Heads and Zeppelin did for our parents, so Blink did for us. Never part with the bands who you first found an affinity with, they are part of your genetical music makeup.

Bands I would like to see get back together: Sugarhill Gang, Boxcar Racer, Fenix TX, Ben Folds Five and The Pixies (who are on a "break").

Bands that need to break up stat: The Offspring, STP and any vestiges of Linkin Park.

-Mozart

Hey Blink! Let the Real Bands Play!

Already in 2009, we’ve heard about a few band reunions that have their old fans cheering. Stone Temple Pilots have buried the hatchet with Scott Weiland - a move which I commend and support. They would put on a great show for sure, keep an eye out for one in your area. Limp Bizkit is even getting back together. Now I’m not stoked, but I don’t hate it. Faith No More is also reuniting, this is awesome. If you don’t know who they are, check out this video from a classic song. If your head isn't nodding by the end of the song, then you’re either deaf or without a pulse.



However, one group is getting back together that the world could really do without. Blink 182. Ugh, these guys pissed me off ten years ago and they’re likely to do the same now. Their fan base will again consist of junior high wannabe punk rockers, and people in their early to mid-twenties that can’t really let go of their glory days (you know who you are, get off the computer and go help your mom with the yardwork). If we’re lucky, they’ll tour for a year playing their old TRL hits then go their separate ways. Keep your fingers crossed. Note: I do have a conscience, so I didn’t even get into Travis Barker’s airplane accident - I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody.

Now a reunion that I want, nay, need to see. With Weiland back with STP, Velvet Revolver is left without a lead singer. Rumors are swirling about his replacement - Rolling Stone has reported that Phil Anselmo, former lead singer for Pantera, is a leading candidate. Other names on the list include Chris Cornell and Trent Reznor. However, with Slash as the lead guitarist, you can be sure this band will melt your face off no matter who is providing the vocals.

A final note: If you wear a Blink 182 t-shirt to the concert of any other band in this post, you can be sure that you will be walking to your mom’s car in tears after the show.

-Butch "Air Guitar" Cassidy

Snorting with Phoenix

Poor Mickey Rourke, he didn't get an Oscar. Probably because his speech would have included a few racy epithets, and he would have snapped the Oscar statue over his knee like a man and mailed it to Joaquin Phoenix. Who, in turn, would have ground up the shattered award, and mixed it up with some heroin he got from Keadis' old dealer. 

Phoenix's beard looks like a bird's nest. Alright, the acting world lost Joaquin, but there are still some performances to look forward to.

The adaptation of children's book "Where the Wild Things Are" is slated to hit theaters on Oct. 16 of this year, and it features the talent of Forest Whitaker (An odd note, in his song "Uncle Sam Goddamn," Brother Ali mentions he is the "king of where the wild things are," after already releasing a track titled "Forest Whitaker." I wonder if the movie's casting director is a Brother Ali fan?)  and director Spike Jonze. Jonze co-wrote the script along with writing guru Dave Eggers, who is one of the more insightful and imaginative writers of our time. Seeing as the lines in the book are fairly limited to gnashing of teeth and Max's antics, Jonze and Eggers have room to let their creative talent flair up. The movie has been a long time coming, and be sure to see a rising number of shirts depicting the book's artwork, done by the book's author Maurice Sendak. 

Watchmen aside, the other movie that should stir some anticipation is the sixth in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, set for July 17. The series continues to become more macabre, and as we know, the last two books feature Rowling's best writing. So, the movies should be equivalent in their caliber. This will be David Yates sophomore appearance for the series, and his rendition of The Order of the Phoenix was quite impressive. Yates has been slated to film The Deathly Hallows, Part I, which is currently on set, and The Deathly Hallows, Part II, which is in pre-production. Suffice to say, someone in WB is pleased with The Half-Blood Prince.  

Also, looking forward to Megan Fox with transforming robots and E & Sloan's threesome partner Malin Akerman in the Silk Spectre get-up. Plus, Stillwater's Billy Crudup and a whole lot of Rorscach in "Watchmen," along with a new ending, is nothing to piss on.

As for my posting absence last night, Letterman said it best. "Mozart, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight."

- Mozart

Downey Jr.? What a Fox!

The Oscars have come and gone and Hollywood is done celebrating the best of 2008. From Slumdog to Milk to The Dark Knight, audiences were taken on quite a journey this past year. Now, it’s time to look ahead. 

There are two films that I want to look at in this post. One that will be Oscar-worthy next year for its acting and screenplay, the other for visual effects and sound editing (my predictions obviously, feel free to disagree).

The first film is The Soloist. A quick synopsis in case you haven’t heard of it:
A schizophrenic homeless musician (Jamie Foxx) dreams of playing at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Through "chance," he meets a journalist (Robert Downey Jr.), who tries to help him turn his life around and make that dream come true. That has all of the makings of an award-winning film right there. First and foremost, these are two of the most badass actors in all the land. If I could be any actor, hands down it would be RDJ (I mean who really wants to be Brad Pitt anymore? Angelina freaks me the hell out). From Ironman to a black man (kind of), this guy can do it all. You can bet your sweet ass I’ll be there the first week this is out. If you want to check out the preview, click here.

The other movie is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Ok, obviously not the same caliber of actors here — although Megan Fox has a lot going for her in my point of view. My God, I don’t think she’s from this planet. 

I really don’t know what is wrong with me, but Shia LaBeouf was even pretty funny in the first Transformers, and I don't see that changing. Now whether or not you played with these toys as a kid or watched the cartoon, it doesn’t matter. These are good movies. The special effects and sound editing are phenomenal — it even comes through in the preview. Needless to say, its release date of June 24th is on my calendar. Put it on yours. Now.



An extra detail: Megan Fox has broken off her engagement with former 90210 star(?) Brian Austin Green. Eff yeah! If she’ll even consider marrying this tool, basically a former child star, there’s hope for all of us. 

Ladies, I’m not even ruling out your chances; I'm betting/hoping Megan swings that way.

-Butch Cassidy

The Weakest Link

Conan’s last show, number 2,725, was full of good memories and loads of laughs. Seeing Andy again was good, and I’ll always remember Conan’s flashbacks to the Andy Richter era, which he fondly recalls Andy passed out on an armchair in boxers and a wife-beater, and himself posted up on a Lucy-esque psychiatric help desk, with a Conan O’Brien banner amateurishly posted behind him. Now he’s on to the big time, and I will be able to get an extra hour of sleep every night because of the move. All is well.
Scratch that, all is not well! What if I can’t fall asleep after Conan? What then? Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly? No! It can’t be! I realize Jimmy Fallon is a NBC studio darling and Lorne Michaels probably has a Viagra-induced hard-on for his SNL casts, but Fallon? I’d rather have Chris Kattan (location: unknown) or even Gary Busey (clinically insane).

Things that Jimmy Fallon will fail at:

Being funny on his own:
What made Conan great is his knack for humor, and the hilarious figure he cut. Fallon is fairly non-descript as an actor, and he lacks the ability to create comedic rapport with an audience.

Also, Conan conducted his show without inhibitions, something I’m fairly certain Fallon is incapable of doing.

Laughing too much:
This may seem like an odd criticism to throw at a late-night comedy show, but for Fallon, it’s quite appropriate. During my lifetime, no one has been able to suppress a laugh less than Fallon. Most notably, the infamous “Cowbell” skit where he could barely get his lines out. He’s that annoying friend who would be helpless as an accomplice for a prank, because he would instantly start giggling in anticipation.

Late-night shows are rehearsed before their performance, and if Fallon knows that some interviewee’s comment will make the audience crack-up, he’s apt to start giggling like a pack of fourteen-year-old girls at a slumber party, pre-comment.

Being able to hit on girl guests in a non-creep manner:
Popular shtick between male host and girl guest is to pretend there is sexual tension; it makes for good TV. Fallon is lacks any sort of charisma and cannot establish said tension; therefore, he will come off as creepy.

If I end up watching Jimmy Fallon late-night and there is no ulterior motive (i.e. sex or him getting fired on that particular show), pull the plug on me, because I must be hooked up to some sort of life-support system that prevents me from tearing my eyes out.

-Mozart

Good Night and Good Luck

The 30 Rock building has lowered its population by one. That one person is Conan O’Brien, the sixteen year host of Late Night, whose last show aired on Friday. The gangly, pale and poofy-haired O’Brien will be taking over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show in June.

Question: what has allowed Conan to kick late night television’s ass for sixteen years? Perhaps more importantly, what has he done to earn the right to sit behind the desk that was once home to the late-great Johnny Carson? The answer is simple, he’s hilarious. Oddball skits and quirky humor have become Conan’s calling card, and the younger late night audience digs it. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was a huge hit. What about the time Conan accidently legally obligated NBC to purchase the domain name hornymanatee.com? That’s classic stuff. This video shows some more of Conan's best moments:



Conan won’t change his formula just because he’s changing times. He’ll continue to do what he wants to do, it works. He’s kind of a late night Derelict in that respect. Good luck Conan, we salute you!

-Butch Cassidy

Clap Clap Applause

People enjoy complaining about the bland nature of mainstream music. I’m one of those people. But I think it’s unfair to only accuse the music industry of generating mainstream drivel. Television is just as guilty.

Today, there’s one show that continues to push the envelope and maintain its credibility. And that show is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The great thing about It’s Always Sunny is their unique characters. Unsurprisingly, nobody can associate with Dennis, or Charlie, or Frank, sweet Dee and Mac. Why? Because no one knows a Charlie, or wants to know a Frank. Unlike the predictable Pams, the grudging George’s and the comedic Chandler’s, the cast members of It’s Always Sunny are too patriotic, too petty and too indefinable to carry any quality we recognize as commonplace. So, they can act as absurdly as they wish, and get away with it without criticism.

Allow me to compare the television and music industries. Shows such as The Office, House and Lost are comparable to Kings of Leon, Snow Patrol and The Killers, respectively. Each band/show started out avant garde and as sub-cultural phenomena. But, they soon were co-opted into the mainstream, each confined by a cookie-cutter of their own creation. It’s Always Sunny reminds me of the band Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! Inventive, brusque and unrefined, both bands maintain indie cred (well FX isn’t that indie, but it’s less mainstream than other media giants), and have full control of their finished products. We need more shows like It’s Always Sunny. Fortunately, there's plenty of Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah!s out there.

Extra TV/Music comparisons. 24 is Metallica. The Simpsons are the Rolling Stones. Home Improvement should be Tool, but they’re more Sugar Ray. Compare Tim Allen and Mark McGrath’s lives and material creations, they’re fairly similar.

- Mozart

Want to Post on The Derelicts?

Butch and Mozart welcome posts from other Derelicts!

If you have something that you want to post just send it to thederelictsblog@gmail.com. This can be in response to something already written or it can be a new topic. Once received, Butch and Mozart will review its content and post it to the blog. The post should be no more than 350 words and should include a short title and a creative author name.

-Fred

Suppose I should introduce myself. I'm Fred, a kind of agent and webmaster for The Derelicts. I'll be posting relevant links to articles and addressing any other issues that may arise.

Full House on Nick at Nite? Preposterous!

I’m really not that old. However, speaking as a child of the 80’s (arguably the greatest decade of all), we’ve seen a lot of changes. Nothing exemplifies this more than the alterations made in the Nick at Nite lineup. We grew up with shows like I Love Lucy, Get Smart, The Dick Van Dyke Show, and Laverne and Shirley being on Nick at Nite. (Remember being disappointed when Are You Afraid of the Dark ended at 10 on Saturday night and it was followed by effing Mary Tyler Moore? Damn that sucked).

Most of these shows were good, (MTM an obvious exception). Yet, one thing defined all of these shows … they were OLD. Grainy pictures, poor coloring, and just an overall old style of comedy. Classics, sure, but from a previous generation.

Have you watched Nick at Nite lately?! Full House, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Home Improvement. Jesus, these are our shows! Uncle Jesse was the ultimate badass, Big Will was bringing a new style of comedy and Tim Taylor was everyone’s favorite family man. Has the tide turned? Do kids these days get pissed when they see that red convertible on the Golden Gate Bridge? And the song? The song! “Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV…” Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to this very day. If kids can’t get into these shows, we’ve reached the pinnacle of humanity.

To ensure the lasting success of the human race — to prevent the conquests of the chimps as noted by Mozart’s last post — we need to preserve the sacred position of these shows in our society. Write to Nick at Nite, thank them. Sing the theme songs in public to remind people of where we came from. If you interact with kids on a frequent basis, force them to watch these shows.

We’ve all got to do our part. It’s shows like these that are the glue holding our fragile world together. If Spongebob makes it to Nick at Nite, we know we’ve lost.

-Butch Cassidy

This is nuts

Enjoy the macabre? Here's a link to Sandra's 911 call when Travis started attacking her friend: 

The monkey call 

It's eerie stuff.

-Fred

Monkeying around with Xanax

Have you seen Sandra's pet chimp? It's huge!

Have you seen Sandra? She looks like her chimp!

Apparently, Sandra is ambivalent on whether or not she gave the chimp Xanax, but either way, Travis literally went apesh** on that woman's face.

First of all, who owns a chimp? Someone who hasn't seen Jungle Book, obviously, because Jungle Book teaches us that chimps are inherently evil, and are trying to attain from us how fire is made in order to take over the human race. Charla Nash refused to tell Travis (the chimp) how to strike flint and steel together on some kindling, so he took away her face. Seems like a fairly heroic trade-off. Nash is my hero. She kept the monkey population in check.

Ladies and gentleman, if any race should be subjected, it should be the monkey race. Especially the poop-flinging rhesus monkey, who has 98 percent in common with our DNA structure. If we give them any leeway, evolution will bend in their favor and before we know it we will have some Cromagnon's on our hands. The best place for a monkey is either behind bars, or in some remote jungle. Not in our high-tech homes where they can learn our human ways.

Wikihow advises us to avoid monkey attacks by not heckling a monkey. Monkeys know what heckling is? What are they, WCC referees? Heckle away my friends, it puts them in their place. But be wary if they start reaching for their butts.

Remember, we are the king of the jungle, not the monkeys.

For more hilarious info on monkey attack prevention, go to http://www.wikihow.com/Prevent-or-Survive-a-Monkey-Attack.

-Mozart

This Ain't Diddy Kong

I’m hoping you’ve all heard about the woman in Connecticut and her pet chimp, Travis. The story in a nutshell: The owner’s friend came to visit and the chimp attacked her, putting her in critical condition. The owner had to stab the crazed primate with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel to try and save her friend, but it ultimately could only be stopped by a hail of police gunfire. Not funny for the woman who’s face was ripped off by Travis the killer primate, but so freakin' hilarious for everyone else.

People LOVE stories like this. That’s why it was the most viewed story on CNN.com this morning. Were the readers concerned about the welfare of the chimp or its unfortunate victim? Hell no. They were indulging the slightly disturbed side of their personality. They got some laughs reading that the chimp took Xanax before the attack. They smiled as they read that Travis enjoyed a glass of red wine at the dinner table. The funny-factor went up exponentially, though, when readers pictured this “refined” little beast during his attack. Seriously, picture a 200 lb. human-like creature coming at you with a crazed look in its eye. It’s as scary as being a hot chick in a car with Chris Brown, but comical all the same.

On a side note, I never understand people who keep pets like apes or lions. Travis is a rare case, being a washed-up actor and all (he starred in Old Navy and Coke commercials. Maybe his recent dry-spell in gigs set him off, kind of a Gary Busey situation). To me, when these animals try to eat you — and they will try — they are really just telling you that they don’t want to be your pet anymore. They are seeking emancipation the only way they know how. I support them in their efforts because these owners are stupid; it’s ok to rid mankind of their shallow gene pools. Don’t attack their friends though, that’s not cool. Travis messed up on that one.

-Butch Cassidy

National Pullin' Action Day

In the afterglow of Valentine's Day, and the unenjoyable affair of National Hangover Recovery Day, also known as President's Day, there is a common hindsight contemplation: why do I buy into this "holiday," year after year? (Valentine's Day that is. President's Day is rad because I get to dress up like William Howard Taft and make it rain on some hoes while shaking my moneymaker).

We've all heard the cliches. "It's a holiday formed by greeting card companies." "St. Valentine isn't even the patron saint of lovers." Whatever. Take a gander at all our holidays; they're just as arbitrary — if not more so. Why don't people hate Christmastime? It's just as rough on our coffers, and there's an even less likely chance of getting any action. I would much rather be home alone on Valentine's Day than Christmas.  

I'm not attempting to defend one of America's most hated holidays. I don't hate Valentine's Day, per se, which is odd, considering all of mine have been sub-par. I just dislike the fact that we celebrate a day where gettin' some is almost compulsory, and if you're not getting some you're pondering a screwdriver to the head, Pi-style.

Why do people get bummed when they're not dropping dime in order to get laid on Valentine's Day? It's an elaborate day of prostitution and flower peddling. Those who are home alone should feel a smug sense of satisfaction, you lucky solo artists. While I'm out spending money and oscillating between chauvinistic jock and sensual nerd, trying to intellectually confuse my date into liking me, you're probably watching The Beach and playing Mario Kart on 64. I'd take the couch over an overused restaurant chair anytime. 

If the Slam Dunk contest is scheduled on Valentine's Day night ever again  I will commit Seppuku. Talk about a conflict of interest.

Does anyone want to borrow my Taft costume? It's great for parties and dates with gold-diggers. I'll need it back by President's Day next year.

Henceforth, Valentine's Day shall be known as Consensual Action Day, or Make-up-for-all-the-Stuff-I-Effed-Up Day.

-Mozart

Valentine's Day: Another Year Smarter

How was your Valentine's Day, huh? My guess is it turned into a clusterf*** similar to last year's. You see that's what happens when Hallmark, gift-giving traditions, and unrealistic expectations combine forces to form a mega-holiday. Everybody gets hurt.

If you don't have a designated valentine, you're a pathetic loser for a day and wallow in your self-pity while thinking of all of the lucky people getting it on. If you do have a valentine, somehow you will mess up the dinner, the entertainment, or the dreaded gift, which casts a shadow over the night and the obligatory bedroom romp, possibly impacting performance. There is a third group, however, those that don't care about Valentine's Day. These are society's advanced thinkers. They are content staying home with a beer, and a pizza, and being intimate with their computer. This is what we should aspire to be.

Something tells me that Valentine's Day wasn't always a feared holiday. It's been shaped into the monster it is now through years of advertising (a special shout-out to jewelers, florists, chocolatiers, and Victoria's Secret). This trend is only going to continue because of the hopeless romantics that continue to waste money on people way out of their leagues. This holiday has to be stopped before it takes any more victims. Who can stop a holiday? Congress. Damn, we're screwed.

Wait, Valentine's Day 2010 can be different. The intricate plans don't have to be made, elaborate gifts don't have to be bought. Just throw a party and ask everyone to bring the alcohol they love, a dish they love, and protection. Everybody gets to eat, drink, and be merry. Nobody is at home pouting because they don't have a stupid valentine (well, the ugly people might be).

Some may call this an orgy. I call it progress.

-Butch Cassidy

This is not a test, because we'd fail.

The decision to start our own blog had been in the back of our minds for some time. We just didn't respect readers enough, nor the stigmas behind blogged word to trust that our analytical masterpieces would be nocuous. There's too much waste out there, people talking about their daily boring and mindless lives without giving any thought to the fact that they're uninteresting (unless said person is a celebrity, or Michael Phelps, apparently). No, what people care about most is themselves, and they love hearing ideas that could have been their own. The internet was made for narcissists, and that's where we come in. 

 

The Derelicts are committed to pop culture analysis. That's our credo.

Undoubtedly and inevitably, we may log on in 3 A.M. in the morning and ramble drunkenly about some innocuous detail, but rest assured, we'll label said posts accordingly. Who knows, maybe our clouded thoughts will be even more insightful than our sober ones. With alcohol, there's always hope, unless you're Tom Waits. 

Butch and I will disagree on some topics. But, such is the nature of the self-absorbed. Within our disagreements, we believe you'll find synthesis (what people who "tug it" to politics discover when they watch Fox news while reading NPR blogs). 

All that we ask of you, the reader, is that you learn to take us seriously while simultaneously realizing that we're probably wrong. C'mon, humorous speculation is better than grave dissertation. I realize this sounds like cognitive dissonance (that's because it is), but embracing our style will make the grouped words and sentence clusters on this page slide as smooth as Keystone Ice (smooth even when you're not). 

 

So, Planet Earth, we come to you now, at the turn of the tide . . .

- Mozart

A blog? Seriously?

Yeah, we started a blog.  Being a native of the digital age, I would say that I’m even a little behind the times considering this is my first one.  Maybe it’s because so many personal pages are about as interesting as Jessica Simpson’s weight issues (read: "who gives a rat’s ass.”)  Even the name “MySpace” puts a bad taste in my mouth.  90% of those pages are ridiculous- I really don’t need to see a profile picture of someone kissing their significant other.  You know those pictures, the arm in the frame because it’s holding the camera.  Come on.  And the content?  Don’t get me started.  I really don’t care about the 53 movies someone likes, their favorite music, or the play by play they give of their life.  I especially hate it when you go to a page and it starts blasting Ne-Yo or some crap and you have to find that little embedded player to turn it off.  Facebook is okay, although it’s getting more MySpacey all the time.  Hello, 25 Things?

Now you may be thinking I’m being a hypocrite.  You may not want to hear my thoughts or stories either.  That’s fine.  However, it’s our hope that our posts at least spark some further thinking on your part.  We won’t post meaningless details of our lives.  We also won’t use “lol” or “brb” or any of that — you may see a “WTF” though.  The bottom line is we encourage participation and feedback; friendly banter is good for you.  If you’ve got a topic that you’d like to see discussed/made fun of, just let us know.  We’re always game.  

-Butch Cassidy