This Ain't Diddy Kong

I’m hoping you’ve all heard about the woman in Connecticut and her pet chimp, Travis. The story in a nutshell: The owner’s friend came to visit and the chimp attacked her, putting her in critical condition. The owner had to stab the crazed primate with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel to try and save her friend, but it ultimately could only be stopped by a hail of police gunfire. Not funny for the woman who’s face was ripped off by Travis the killer primate, but so freakin' hilarious for everyone else.

People LOVE stories like this. That’s why it was the most viewed story on CNN.com this morning. Were the readers concerned about the welfare of the chimp or its unfortunate victim? Hell no. They were indulging the slightly disturbed side of their personality. They got some laughs reading that the chimp took Xanax before the attack. They smiled as they read that Travis enjoyed a glass of red wine at the dinner table. The funny-factor went up exponentially, though, when readers pictured this “refined” little beast during his attack. Seriously, picture a 200 lb. human-like creature coming at you with a crazed look in its eye. It’s as scary as being a hot chick in a car with Chris Brown, but comical all the same.

On a side note, I never understand people who keep pets like apes or lions. Travis is a rare case, being a washed-up actor and all (he starred in Old Navy and Coke commercials. Maybe his recent dry-spell in gigs set him off, kind of a Gary Busey situation). To me, when these animals try to eat you — and they will try — they are really just telling you that they don’t want to be your pet anymore. They are seeking emancipation the only way they know how. I support them in their efforts because these owners are stupid; it’s ok to rid mankind of their shallow gene pools. Don’t attack their friends though, that’s not cool. Travis messed up on that one.

-Butch Cassidy