Monkeying around with Xanax

Have you seen Sandra's pet chimp? It's huge!

Have you seen Sandra? She looks like her chimp!

Apparently, Sandra is ambivalent on whether or not she gave the chimp Xanax, but either way, Travis literally went apesh** on that woman's face.

First of all, who owns a chimp? Someone who hasn't seen Jungle Book, obviously, because Jungle Book teaches us that chimps are inherently evil, and are trying to attain from us how fire is made in order to take over the human race. Charla Nash refused to tell Travis (the chimp) how to strike flint and steel together on some kindling, so he took away her face. Seems like a fairly heroic trade-off. Nash is my hero. She kept the monkey population in check.

Ladies and gentleman, if any race should be subjected, it should be the monkey race. Especially the poop-flinging rhesus monkey, who has 98 percent in common with our DNA structure. If we give them any leeway, evolution will bend in their favor and before we know it we will have some Cromagnon's on our hands. The best place for a monkey is either behind bars, or in some remote jungle. Not in our high-tech homes where they can learn our human ways.

Wikihow advises us to avoid monkey attacks by not heckling a monkey. Monkeys know what heckling is? What are they, WCC referees? Heckle away my friends, it puts them in their place. But be wary if they start reaching for their butts.

Remember, we are the king of the jungle, not the monkeys.

For more hilarious info on monkey attack prevention, go to http://www.wikihow.com/Prevent-or-Survive-a-Monkey-Attack.

-Mozart