The Weakest Link

Conan’s last show, number 2,725, was full of good memories and loads of laughs. Seeing Andy again was good, and I’ll always remember Conan’s flashbacks to the Andy Richter era, which he fondly recalls Andy passed out on an armchair in boxers and a wife-beater, and himself posted up on a Lucy-esque psychiatric help desk, with a Conan O’Brien banner amateurishly posted behind him. Now he’s on to the big time, and I will be able to get an extra hour of sleep every night because of the move. All is well.
Scratch that, all is not well! What if I can’t fall asleep after Conan? What then? Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly? No! It can’t be! I realize Jimmy Fallon is a NBC studio darling and Lorne Michaels probably has a Viagra-induced hard-on for his SNL casts, but Fallon? I’d rather have Chris Kattan (location: unknown) or even Gary Busey (clinically insane).

Things that Jimmy Fallon will fail at:

Being funny on his own:
What made Conan great is his knack for humor, and the hilarious figure he cut. Fallon is fairly non-descript as an actor, and he lacks the ability to create comedic rapport with an audience.

Also, Conan conducted his show without inhibitions, something I’m fairly certain Fallon is incapable of doing.

Laughing too much:
This may seem like an odd criticism to throw at a late-night comedy show, but for Fallon, it’s quite appropriate. During my lifetime, no one has been able to suppress a laugh less than Fallon. Most notably, the infamous “Cowbell” skit where he could barely get his lines out. He’s that annoying friend who would be helpless as an accomplice for a prank, because he would instantly start giggling in anticipation.

Late-night shows are rehearsed before their performance, and if Fallon knows that some interviewee’s comment will make the audience crack-up, he’s apt to start giggling like a pack of fourteen-year-old girls at a slumber party, pre-comment.

Being able to hit on girl guests in a non-creep manner:
Popular shtick between male host and girl guest is to pretend there is sexual tension; it makes for good TV. Fallon is lacks any sort of charisma and cannot establish said tension; therefore, he will come off as creepy.

If I end up watching Jimmy Fallon late-night and there is no ulterior motive (i.e. sex or him getting fired on that particular show), pull the plug on me, because I must be hooked up to some sort of life-support system that prevents me from tearing my eyes out.

-Mozart