In the afterglow of Valentine's Day, and the unenjoyable affair of National Hangover Recovery Day, also known as President's Day, there is a common hindsight contemplation: why do I buy into this "holiday," year after year? (Valentine's Day that is. President's Day is rad because I get to dress up like William Howard Taft and make it rain on some hoes while shaking my moneymaker).
We've all heard the cliches. "It's a holiday formed by greeting card companies." "St. Valentine isn't even the patron saint of lovers." Whatever. Take a gander at all our holidays; they're just as arbitrary — if not more so. Why don't people hate Christmastime? It's just as rough on our coffers, and there's an even less likely chance of getting any action. I would much rather be home alone on Valentine's Day than Christmas.
I'm not attempting to defend one of America's most hated holidays. I don't hate Valentine's Day, per se, which is odd, considering all of mine have been sub-par. I just dislike the fact that we celebrate a day where gettin' some is almost compulsory, and if you're not getting some you're pondering a screwdriver to the head, Pi-style.
Why do people get bummed when they're not dropping dime in order to get laid on Valentine's Day? It's an elaborate day of prostitution and flower peddling. Those who are home alone should feel a smug sense of satisfaction, you lucky solo artists. While I'm out spending money and oscillating between chauvinistic jock and sensual nerd, trying to intellectually confuse my date into liking me, you're probably watching The Beach and playing Mario Kart on 64. I'd take the couch over an overused restaurant chair anytime.
If the Slam Dunk contest is scheduled on Valentine's Day night ever again I will commit Seppuku. Talk about a conflict of interest.
Does anyone want to borrow my Taft costume? It's great for parties and dates with gold-diggers. I'll need it back by President's Day next year.
Henceforth, Valentine's Day shall be known as Consensual Action Day, or Make-up-for-all-the-Stuff-I-Effed-Up Day.
-Mozart
No comments:
Post a Comment