Sexual Frustration: Thanks Bros!

Why is it that every woman I meet has been tainted by the men that preceded me? I’m cognizant of the fact that severed relationships are not without their lingering imprints, the vestigial reminders of love or lust long past, but the sexual ramifications of any girl that possesses some sort of relationship history are staggering. Long relationships in the past are indicative of an awkward sexual future.

This must be rectified. Immediately. Not only am I attempting to appeal to mankind on the behalf of women (something I’m not properly equipped to do), I’m also calling out the dudes and douches to cease and desist with the sexual manipulation. You are ruining my dalliances, and I’m hyperpositive you’re affecting the sexcapades of other men (those of the more liberal bent) who don’t wish their woman to act as a cock sheath or solely work the mish.

In my early years, there was a time when I assumed women are naturally conservative in their sexual nature. It took one older woman and the countless conversations I’ve held over coffee, cocktails or her exposed breasts to convince me otherwise. Female sexual conservatism spawns from the sexually repressed gent that dominated the majority of their sexsphere. It’s sadly Pavlovian in nature, meeting these girls who believe that handjobs are preferable to the heavenly blowjob (the fact that blowjob is in my M. Word’s dictionary and handjob is not is a sure indicator that handjob’s blow . . . HA!) or their vocal and physical participation is unnecessary in the bedroom. And it all stems from what “HE” enjoyed, how “HE” dictated sex.

Let me explain something to those dudes/douches that are ruining sex for everyone else. EVERYONE ELSE. Sex isn’t dancing. We don’t have to lead or dictate. It’s a mutual act that works best when the art of reciprocation is brought into the fray. You’re not working on a car, or re-enacting your favorite Peter North scene where he tries to jam his angry inch through the cervix of some unconvincingly moany broad. Employ the Golden Rule in the bedroom. That is the situation for which the GR is most aptly suited. Also, innovent. Be open to the new (Disclaimer: I am not advocating male pooper use or tag teaming. Tag teaming is undeniably homosexual [Yes, homo] and I, for one, like to leave my colon out of play), as long as it’s not too outrageous. Creativity is to be encouraged.

Of great humor to me is how much Christianity has affected the sexual landscape. Christian girls, especially those of the Catholic bent, are arguably the best lays. It’s as if they are making up for all of the countless hours wasted in church doldrums by seizing the fucking day every minute they are churchless. From what I hear, the pious Christian bros are serious sexual failures, suffering from over-indoctrination that limits their spirit of sexual panache and adventure (they’re one of the main demographics I believe are perpetuating the ruination of sex as we know it. Feel free to remind them of this at the next tent revival you attend or public viewing of “Jesus Camp”).

In the micro-level, a priest I lived next door to instructed me in my second favorite theology class (and for those that know my FSM ass, that’s an impressive feat), would always demand that we “live in the now” (he was obsessive with these ’80s carpe diem, DIY tracts). Although many of his other instructions ran the gamete from vaguely nauseating (attaching personality types to colors) to borderline insanity (he was OCD about ensuring that his entire class had eaten breakfast, to the extent that he would send the more derelict class members to the Gonzaga cafeteria to load up on free breakfast goods), the “live in the now” lecture was the median of the continuum, and resonated with me in the bedroom. The idea is the mind should always be present in the bedroom, where mind-presence is imperative, no matter how many vodka Red Bulls you and your co-pilot have thrown back. Maintaining presence of mind invites creativity, which is usually a boudoir plus.

Although there are volumes more I wish to wield to castigate and excoriate the dudes/douches that have ruined sex for women by performing conservatively, I’ll take the high road and impart my sexual code, which possesses strong biblical basis for a staunchly non-biblical gent. Reciprocation is the key (the GR) and living in the now is crucial. Use your imagination and forget the porn.

Actual quotes from woman I have slept with, verbatim:

“My ex- didn’t like blowjobs, so I kinda believed guys thought blowjobs were gross.”

“I don’t know any other positions; the last guy I hooked up with only used missionary.”

This last one I don’t feel like quoting, because it stemmed from someone I have a great deal of respect and the gravity of her situation seems too exploitative to quote; so I’ll generalize: there have been women I have slept with where sex was considered threatening because their ex-‘s used sexual coercion on them (see: rape).

Fuck that guy.

-Mozart